Having my way with Ulysses

Love laughs at locksmiths.

The bat that flits at the close of eve has left the Brain that won't Believe.

8:42 pm

I have just this one flaw, and it was just an accident or I’d be perfect.  I’ll be perfect for him and I will do everything I can to make sure of that!  He’ll believe in me.  He is so ideal, is he real?  I want him to come here to me now in the twilight, I’ll hold the baby on my knee and we can pretend it is ours.  And we’ll be together and I’ll be free and he’ll be my all in all.  I believe if I believe as hard as I can then it will be because reality is what we believe it to be.  I wrote that down once and it is so totally true because it is what I believe.  I can be a poet, and I’ll give everything to him and we’ll be happy, even if he is already married or something because who cares, am I right?  Makes no difference.  We’ll get past any obstacle because we’ll be together and nothing else will matter.

Talking about the time all the time.

The ritual extinguishing of fires is to be attributed to the same tendency to put an end to existing forms (worn away by the fact of their own existence) in order to make room for the birth of a new form, issuing from a new Creation. 8:40 pm

I must be getting my cycle again.   I’m all bloated and I can feel everything tight on me, and I was just skinny.  Must be time again because I got it the last time I cut my hair and it was a full moon then too.  Thirteen a year, I wonder what we’d call month 13 and where we put it.  Somebody will come along and name the new month after themselves I’m sure, like the romans did all the time.  June, July, Coca-Cola, August.  It’s coming.   So.  Look at him over there.  He’s watching, starting his watch again.  I’ll just swing my leg a little in and out.  Give him something to see.  See if he can keep time to me.  Wish Edy would disappear.  She’s always there like clockwork to notice everything and point it out too just to try to embarrass me.  Thanks for always pointing out the subtle over and again so it can be nice and obvious you bitch.  Reggy didn’t dump me, we weren’t together this time and what’s it to her anyway.  I can have anybody I want, obviously, I mean look at that guy.  He’s literally worshipping at my shrine!  His look is for me and just for me, and she knows it.  Scrawny ugly jealous bitch.  And Cissy too, fixing the twins’ hair so she can look good.  None of her business what happened between Reggy and me.  I could get him back any time I want to and I don’t want to.  His loss.  He’ll come back around and I’ll be long gone!  Ha!  I’m so much better than all of them and there’s the proof sitting right over there staring right up my skirt.  I hope I’m not starting my cycle.

She was a forward piece whenever she thought she had a good opportunity to show off.

What true feeling for their's hayair with what strawng voice of false jiccup!8:36 pm

Cissy thinks she’s so great. I actually called her out when this whole drama with her and Edy was going on because I thought Cissy was being mean. But then I started noticing when people were calling Cissy fake and stuff, Edy was tweeting how happy she was and it seemed to me she was teasing Cissy for being so fake and everything. I mean, Cissy tries to pretend she is so chill and everything but she’s really one of those girls that at first everyone would think is so cool and nice and then something will go down and people will see how fake she is. You can tell in her voice that she’s so fake. She acts like everyone likes her and she thinks she’s so cool. I wish she understood how weird it looks when she runs like that but whatever. And she thinks if she runs in a too tight skirt she can show off her legs as far as possible and possible too. But my guy watching me isn’t even noticing her. I’d like to trip her accidentally on purpose. She is so stupid. I feel like when I stare into her eyes I can almost see the unintelligence.  It’s like looking into the eyes of some weird animal.  She thinks if she acts dramatiker than everybody else, then she’ll be so cool but she’s really so fake. She pretending to be nice to the twins too but she really wants to give them each a smack on the head which they need, the both of them. Her hair is so fake. Not like mine. She’s colored it so much that its gone all dry and bushy and everything and looks like weird semi-curly straw. And she has these bangs that stick out everywhere that she thinks looks good. Anybody with eyes in their head can see the difference between her and me and my man sitting on the rocks is watching me and not her so ha!

Ora pro nobis

I was asleep but my heart stayed awake. Listen! My lover is knocking. "Open to me, my sister, my friend, my dove, my undefiled one! My head is wet with dew, my hair drenched in the damp of night." But I have taken off my robes, how can I dress again? I have bathed my feet, must I dirty them? My love reached in for the latch and deep within me, my body stirred. I rose to open to my love, my hands dripping myrrh, my fingers flowing myrrh on the doorbolt. 8:34 pm

They have the coolest cuckoo clock on the mantle at Father Conroy’s I saw when I went there about the flowers for the quarantore and when I went to talk to him about the candles it was chiming which was cool.  He’s so nice.  He has the most beautiful hands and he is so kind and good.  You can tell he is holy just by being around him and he is the best for confession because that one time I told him about that thing that happened you know when girls start you know, God this is so embarrassing.  I wish to God that I could talk to you in person face to face because it is still so confusing.  I’m sorry if a little of this gets too embarrassing for you but anyway I told him about the first time I got my period (oh God tmi tmi tmi!) and he was so cool about it and said it wasn’t a sin and that it came from nature and is god’s will for women and all that.  He is so kind and beautiful.  He could be in that pretty priest’s calendar the vatican puts out for world youth day.  I could I could I could knit him something maybe or or maybe get him a clock to go with the cuckoo clock he already has.  No that’s stupid.  What do you give a priest?  I could become a nun and wear a clean white robe and he can come to the convent and pray for me and we could light candles together and he could look into my eyes and then and then bless me and kiss my rosary and he’ll be so holy and kind and beautiful and I would be too and we’d be just like at peace with everything and with each other, you know?  It would be so cool.

The story of a haunting sorrow was written on his face.

The dead you is constantly being rubbed away by the dead me. Your cells fall and flake away, fodder to dust mites and bed bugs. Your droppings support colonies of life that graze on skin and hair no longer wanted. You don't feel a thing. How could you? All your sensation comes from deeper down, the live places where the dermis is renewing itself, making another armadillo layer. You are a knight in shining armour.

8:32 pm

I’m so in love.  Because they always say you just know when it happens and I know because it’s like an instinct, you know?  I feel it.  I can feel it right here.  And it feels like like what, like he is the one that matters the most.  Because it doesn’t matter what he has ever done, you know?  I couldn’t give a shit what he’s done.  Because whatever he has ever suffered or had others suffer, even if he is the worst person possible I don’t care.  That’s what love is.  That’s love.  He can even be a non-Christian too, because I always know what matters most is Jesus and after him Mary and St. Joseph and St. Rose of Lima and after her St. Anthony if you lose something because if he really loves me he will convert no problem.  It’s him.  It’s like I recognize him, you know?  It’s a total recognition like I’ve known him forever because I’m going to know him forever.   I love him and he is my dreamhusband I’ve been waiting for.  See him, sitting over there on those rocks wearing all black.  Sad.  He has sad written all over his face.  I’d give the word to know what it is making him so sad.  He is looking at me and I can see he means it.  There’s something in his look that’s saying words to me.  The words are so clearly there, for me to read and only me.  And he can read my very soul.  He can look right inside me and read me.  He’s reading me now.  He looks a little like a foreigner.  Very cool.  Actually, he looks just like the picture I have of Robert Pattinson taped next to my bed!  I want to know all about him and forgive him for everything ever even even if he even if he was the biggest sinner of them all we can go to hell together and all our friends will be there anyway so that will be even better.  We’ll be together and in love and that’s all that matters.  And I’ll help him forget the memory of his past.  And I’ll make him fall in love with me.  And he’ll pull me to him gently.  And he’ll crush me against him like a real man.  And I’ll be his ownest girlie.

And, my word, didn’t the little chap enjoy that!

My mother groaned! my father wept. Into the dangerous world I leapt: Helpless, naked, piping loud; Like a fiend hid in a cloud. Struggling in my fathers hands: Striving against my swaddling bands: Bound and weary I thought best To sulk upon my mothers breast.8:30:61 pm

Holy Mary he is such a cutie! Cissy and Edy playing peek-a-boo and he laughs like a little angel! So cute. He’ll talk soon, everybody say’s he’s smart for 11 months and big for his age too. He’ll turn out to be somebody important. Just look at him! Look at the size of him! He won’t sit up though, I suppose that’s normal. But otherwise he’s very advanced for his little age. But he can be loud! What were Edy and Cissy thinking, bringing a baby out this late? They should take that screaming little shit home and the little brats of twins too. Getting on my last nerve. Good thing we’re so far from the water here or I’d want to throw him into the ocean! See if he swims. Lucky for him he’s cute. I suppose that’s why. A baby is great and all, but not when it is wet and screaming. But I guess you can’t just box it up and send it back.

Kick it away and let them fight for it.

It is not given to you, nor to any other Being, to behold my internal parts. I am of a different order of Beings from those in Flatland. Were I a Circle, you could discern my intestines, but I am a Being, composed as I told you before, of many Circles, the Many in the One, called in this country a Sphere.8:24 pm

I wish to God those stupid kids hadn’t brought me round to the beach in the first place.  Going around and around over me day in and day out, you can’t blame me for feeling deflated.  And then that little pin head deliberately kicked me as hard as he could and I had no choice but to get right in the middle of the work going on between that pervy guy in black and Gerty.  She might have thought her eyes were masked by her hat, but you’d have to be dense as a bowling ball not to see the exchange of energy going on between those two bodies.  You didn’t see? You didn’t catch it?  Here, I’ll spell it out for you: Work = 1/2mv – 1/2 mu2.  No? Huh. You seem like a well rounded person, I didn’t mean to expose your ignorance or anything.  I always assume people speak my language too.  You’re not two dimensional, are you?  You look round enough.  Here, I’ll take it back a step: Ek = 1/2 mv and when you apply the kind of force Gerty did (I’m talking take two, you understand, how do you kick a ball and miss? Sheesh.) with her skirt hiked up to Canada, you could see her Yukon Territories!  Well these sorts of exchanges between bodies have their own momentum.   I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you for a point mass m rotating about an axis at distance r, the angular momentum, L equals (mv)r = (mar)r = mrw where w is the angular velocity of the body. You know, in radians per second. So clearly, the I = mr between Gerty and Pervy was at this point through the roof and the only way Edy and Cissy could mask their delight at the creepiness of it all was to laugh at Gerty for missing me the first time round.  But everybody knew.

The picture of halcyon days.

So hath been, love: tis tis: and will be: till wears and tears and ages.
8:23 pm

Sometimes when I go to the throne for a certain purpose I sit and imagine a home placid quiet and still.  I put up a picture in there of a perfect fairytale, the real happily ever after where dads don’t get drunk and violent, and moms act like moms never have raging splitting headaches.  I think about the old time days and I know what the word halcyon means now that I looked it up on Wikipedia.  It means a gentle way of living that happens when you marry the right person, when everybody cherishes every moment and my husband will give me flowers and never get drunk.  I think about poor Mr. Dignam who died suddenly from a stroke and that mom told dad to let that be a warning to him and she’s right too.  Love loves to love love and men with gentle ways understand the story behind it.

For riches for poor, in sickness in health, till death us two part, from this to this day forward.

Well, then, why do you make it a reproach against the others that they are silent, and remain silent yourself? Easy to answer; Because I am a dog; in essentials just as locked in silence as the others, stubbornly resisting my own questions, dour out of fear. To be precise, is it in the hope that they might answer me that I have questioned my fellow dogs, at least since my adult years?

8:19 pm

I know what I want and I’m not afraid to wait for it, although he better hurry up and get here soon!  I want a real man with a strong face.  He can be older than me, hair a little flecked with grey like that pervy guy sitting over there, and he’ll get me, you know?  He’ll be able to just look at me and just know, you know?  And we’ll move in together some place where I can decorate everything so it is exactly perfect, and I’ll bake things and make food for him, but I don’t want him to see me like actually eating because gross.  We’ll eat salads made of flowers and our house will be full of cool furniture and art and we’ll have a framed picture of Grandpa Giltrap’s dog Garryowen who, like, talks!  You should hear him.  It’s like he thinks he’s a person or something.  And my man will be tall, and have broad shoulders, and nice teeth white, but not neon glowing white or be like Captain Veneers or something.  And every morning before he goes off to work and I stay home to be a fashion designer he’ll give me a big hug and gaze into my eyes.  He’ll be perfect, you know?  Like I don’t want to end up with a total douche.

The paly light of evening falls upon a face infinitely sad and wistful.

Lady, you are the fairest here8:14 pm

You are lovely, Gerty, you know that don’t you sweetie.  Oh pobrecita, please don’t cry.  I see your face, so infinitely sad, wistful, but chica your face is going to freeze that way. You’re doing the ugly cry honey, I’m here to tell you it doesn’t look good.  Yes, you need to have a good cry, let off those pent-up feelings, but honey.  Honey.  The snot.  Here, blow.  You are getting all blotchy and your eyes are going to swell up.  Take a peek, go ahead.  Look at me.  See?  Now come on, you know how to cry nicely in front of me, let’s take it down a notch and try again.  There you go.  That’s better.  Now I can give you a nice lovely reflection.  You are lovely, Gerty.