Having my way with Ulysses

Everyone according to his needs or everyone according to his deeds.

"Alas," said the mouse, "the world is growing smaller every day. At the beginning it was so big that I was afraid, I kept running and running, and was glad when at last I saw walls far away to the right and left, but these long walls have narrowed so quickly that I am in the last chamber already, and there in the corner stands the trap that I must run into." "You only need to change your direction," said the cat, and ate it up.1:10 am

Eggshells and fish heads. These are good, yes, tastes good, but i’m just eating to be social. I’m really just keeping company; don’t want to be rude. I know how to behave, properly. At least I accept what’s offered to me unlike some people i could mention. Imagine. I still can’t get over it. Did you see? Were you here? I bring my person a perfectly good fat little bird. Nice smell. Fresh. And I could have eaten it myself but did I? No. I didn’t. I did not. Hssssss! It’s impolite to call a gift disgusting. I could say the eggshells are disgusting. Ah who am i kidding eggshells are tasty. I like the crunch, like bird heads. Good calcium too. I will eat my fish heads and my eggshells with dignity. I have manners. And then I will take a piss under the bed.

For riches for poor, in sickness in health, till death us two part, from this to this day forward.

Well, then, why do you make it a reproach against the others that they are silent, and remain silent yourself? Easy to answer; Because I am a dog; in essentials just as locked in silence as the others, stubbornly resisting my own questions, dour out of fear. To be precise, is it in the hope that they might answer me that I have questioned my fellow dogs, at least since my adult years?

8:19 pm

I know what I want and I’m not afraid to wait for it, although he better hurry up and get here soon!  I want a real man with a strong face.  He can be older than me, hair a little flecked with grey like that pervy guy sitting over there, and he’ll get me, you know?  He’ll be able to just look at me and just know, you know?  And we’ll move in together some place where I can decorate everything so it is exactly perfect, and I’ll bake things and make food for him, but I don’t want him to see me like actually eating because gross.  We’ll eat salads made of flowers and our house will be full of cool furniture and art and we’ll have a framed picture of Grandpa Giltrap’s dog Garryowen who, like, talks!  You should hear him.  It’s like he thinks he’s a person or something.  And my man will be tall, and have broad shoulders, and nice teeth white, but not neon glowing white or be like Captain Veneers or something.  And every morning before he goes off to work and I stay home to be a fashion designer he’ll give me a big hug and gaze into my eyes.  He’ll be perfect, you know?  Like I don’t want to end up with a total douche.

Mrs B. is the bright particular star, isn’t she?

The time will soon come when her last notes sound and die into silence. She is a small episode in the eternal history of our people, and the people will get over the loss of her. 5:38 pm

Yes.  And he’s an excellent man to organize it.  The tour, you see.  It starts up north.  A summer tour, will be a nice holiday.  Who’s in it?  My wife, so far.  So far.  I believe Boylan is adding some rather famous, locally famous you understand, particularly well-known talent.  He’s organizing it.   Really it is just one show.  So far.  Just one.  Only Molly in it.  His father made some money.  Sold the same thing to the army several times over.  And now Boylan selling this tour.  Chip off the old.  Just one show.  I won’t go.  Go visit my father, his anniversary.  They’ll go alone.  Together.  He’ll organize her there.  Again.  I wonder what she sees?  She’s all drowned in him. Worst man around.

Taunted them still, bending, suspending, with wilfull eyes.

But they -- lovelier than ever -- stretched their necks and turned, let their awesome hair flutter free in the wind, and freely stretched their claws on the rocks. They no longer had any desire to allure; all that they wanted was to hold as long as they could the radiance that fell from Ulysses' great eyes. If the Sirens had possessed consciousness they would have been annihilated at that moment. But they remained as they had been; all that had happened was that Ulysses had escaped them.4:04 pm


I’m drowning again.  A slow cool green drop through the mirror.  A dim seagreen sliding shadow.  Depths.  Why did he leave just after?  I had him too.  I had him smackwarm against my smackable, no contest.  The odds were in my favor.  Then he left so fast.  He was boiling then gone just like that.  Maybe I was too silent.  Maybe.  Well.  I know it’s useless to wonder.  And useless to feel the drowning, but I feel it, the fluxing inwardness of dim seagreen filling my useless lungs.  I’m sinking again.  At the bottom of the dim seagreen I start my decline.  I’ve done this before.  Throw me a life ring will you?  I can hear that sob of breath, are you drowning too?  Do your disappointments sink you too?  You’re crying for nothing.  Ever heard that?  Anybody ever anywhere sing those words to you?  You’re crying for nothing.  It’s my chorus.  Everything and nothing.  Same thing.  If it is ineffable, is it nothing or everything?  Speak to me.  No.  Save your breath.  What words could you possibly say?  But I suppose you feel you must because silence is so brutally negating.  Such violence in silence.  I know you drown sometimes too.  But I see you.  I can see you.  I hear you too.  Come on now, pull yourself out.  You’re not as invisible as you think.  Hold on baby.  I’m standing right here.  Listen to me.  You gotta hold on.