Having my way with Ulysses

The problem of the sacerdotal integrity of Jesus circumcised.

Reach down. A lil mo. So. Draw back your glave. Hot and hairy, hugon, is your hand! Here's where the falskin begins. Smoos as an infams.Holy Mother Public Relations, Inc.
10th Heaven, Empyrean
Meeting Minutes

Date: November 29th
Time: 2:28 am
Location: 10th Heaven Empyrean building: Mary’s office. Also the hallway outside of Mary’s office between her office and the toilet.
Purpose: Crisis mode. Damage control. Situation analysis. Family meeting.


Attendees:
Holy Mary: Mother of God, Mother of Christ, Mother of the Church, Mother of divine grace, Mother most amiable, Mother most admirable, Mother of good counsel, Mother of our Creator, Mother of our Savior, Virgin most merciful, Mirror of justice, Cause of our joy, Refuge of sinners, Comforter of the afflicted, Queen of Confessors, Queen of the family, Queen of Peace, and Queen most forgiving. Also Jesus, Martha, and Joseph.

Agenda:

1. Damage control full crisis mode.

2. Find out if what we have here is an actual crisis or just a situation we can handle like others we no longer speak of (e.g.: Lost track of Jesus’ physical location when he was twelve years old. Got him back, though. Eventually. Also: virginity).

Discussion:

1. Jesus stated that although Martha lives here now, does she have to be here for this? Martha pointed out that somebody has to hold back Mary’s hair when she pukes, which could be any time now. Both then were silent, contemplating the other in both mirrors of the reciprocal flesh of theirhisnothers fellowfaces. Jesus welcomed Martha to stay and help in whatever capacity she likes.

2. Mary says we stole the damn thing a long time ago. Is there somewhere she can lie down or something? Jesus said it was stolen again. Mary wants to know why Jesus didn’t just get rid of the damn thing, it was only a bit of dried prune under all that crystal and gold. Jesus said he thought it was pretty. It reminds him of the ultimate mortality of fruit.

3. Topic: if people discover that the divine prepuce, the carnal bridal ring of the holy Roman catholic apostolic church, conserved in Calcata Rome until we stole it, that the divine shrunken dried up scrap we shoved into that little jar is actually made from an old plum and is not the foreskin of an eight day old boy, we might be facing a game changing crisis of faith we haven’t seen since the Reformation. Ideas floated: steal it back; uphold the excommunication of anybody who speaks of (and we should add onto that: even thinks about) the holy foreskin; immediate circumcision of Jesus and let’s get a new little jar to put it in. The thieves might have the fake, but we can produce the real thing whenever we like. Jesus says no we cannot produce the real thing whenever we like.

4. Mary can’t remember who was the mohel who circumcised Jesus? Maybe we should call him in here. Joseph suggests if Mary wasn’t so obliterated drunk right now she’d remember. And if she didn’t insist on hiring her drinking buddies for everything then maybe we would have had a decent mohel who would have finished the job in the first place. Somebody union even. Martha suggested Joseph focus on his duties. Jesus considered turning Mary’s water into wine.

5. Martha wants to know how it is nobody noticed that Jesus was never circumcised. Joseph said who looked? They never had to change his diapers. He was the perfect baby. So cute too. Quiet. Slept through the night. A good eater. Never cried. Took care of himself, really. Terrible two’s were a holy bitch, but he was such a perfect baby.

Action Items:

1. Somebody make coffee. We need Mary a bit closer to sober for this. Martha? Joseph to make coffee.

2. Martha suggested we not turn this thing into a bigger crisis than is necessary. We must analyze the situation as it evolves and we absolutely cannot be the first ones to signal that we think this is a crisis. It might not be a crisis, just a situation. We cannot look like we are on the defensive in any way. Perhaps we should perform the circumcision ourselves? Mohelim can’t keep secrets. Jesus to clean spot on floor where he just vomited. Also, Mary could use a clean up while you are at it.

3. Martha suggested we never lie to the public about this. We can, however, consider honest misstatements. For example, we might tell everybody that the real foreskin ascended bodily to heaven, but got stuck around Saturn on the way. Joseph to compile a list from Martha’s dictation of possible honest misstatements to be used as talking points. Joseph will check Mary’s schedule and compile a list of possible public appearances she can make on Jesus’ behalf: we think Mary will want herself out front on this so the kid won’t screw it up. Martha to monitor Mary’s fitness for public events as her current ability to get her shit together seems dubious.

4. Jesus to get immediate circumcision so we can produce physical proof if necessary. Jesus first to research the problems of irritability, tumescence, rigidity, reactivity, dimension, sanitariness, pilosity, and degree of severity of ongoing crisis (possibly just a situation and not a crisis) before anybody even thinks of coming at him with a knife.

5. Martha to sharpen a knife.

6. Joseph to get Matthew in here for consultation re: financial impact of crisis. Possibly still just a situation and not yet a crisis. And for Christ’s sake, let’s keep the stockholders in the dark as long as we can. Joseph to contact Thomas Moore’s assistant re: Moore’s schedule asap. We need a lawyer on this.

7. We think Mary said we must be the ones in constant control of the flow and formulation of public opinion. Hard to understand her from the toilet with all that hair in her face. Maybe nobody will care that the relic was never real. Get some people on all the other major relics, can’t have people opening those boxes too: Christ knows what they might find. Joseph to deploy guardian angels to Thomas Aquinas’ skull , Augustine’s elbow, all of the true crosses, and the piece of Jesus’ foreskin in Coulombs Abbey, France. Tell them to take their flaming swords with them.

8. Martha suggested we remain calm. These things sometimes burn out faster than shooting stars.

Minutes typed by: Joseph
Approved by: Martha

 
 
 

The proportion increasing and the disparity diminishing.

Under the step, toward the right, I saw a small iridescent sphere of almost unbearable brightness. At first I thought it was spinning; then I realized that the movement was an illusion produced by the dizzying spectacles inside it. The Aleph was probably two or three centimeters in diameter, but universal space was contained inside it, with no diminution in size.Holy Mother Public Relations, Inc.

10th Heaven
Empyrean

Meeting Minutes

Date: November 18
Time: 2:11 am
Location: 10th Heaven conference room C, Empyrean building
Purpose: Commission of a sculpture of the Immaculate Conception

Attendees:

The Virgin Mary, Holy Virgin of Virgins, Mother Most Pure, Mother Most Chaste, Mother Inviolate, Mother Undefiled, Virgin Most Prudent, Virgin Most Venerable, Virgin Most Renowned, Virgin Most Powerful, Virgin Most Merciful, Virgin Most Faithful, Queen of Virgins, Queen Who has Never Known the Touch of Man. Never. Also, Martha, Jesus, and Gabriel.

Agenda:

1. Discuss the commission of a hyperrealistic sculpture of the Immaculate Conception to be created by Martha, a woman of no independent means, currently residing in the third floor copy room of the Empyrean building, Holy Mother Public Relations.

2. Get Martha off our hands. No offense Martha.

Discussion:

1. With this sculpture Mary wants to express in the most more-than-realistic way possible, the experience she felt deep within her body, a pounding fullness of infinite size deep within her most finite space burning hot and dripping wet. Mary very gratefully, with grateful appreciation, with sincere appreciative gratitude, in appreciatively grateful sincerity, expressed her gratitude to Gabriel for delivering God’s message with such gratifying skill and finesse. Gabriel expressed to Mary that the pleasure was all his and indeed, worth repeating. Martha suggested Mary and Gabriel get a room.

2. Jesus proposed adjourning the meeting. And also, if God is an intelligible sphere whose center is everywhere and whose circumference is nowhere, the moment Mom had knowledge of Dad might be expressed as an inscribed polygon within the sphere that grows more like a circle the more angles it has. Yet even though the multiplication of its angles be infinite, nothing will make the polygon equal the sphere unless the polygon is resolved into identity with the sphere. Martha asked so now she’s expected to enclose infinity within a finite space. It was really more of a statement than a question. Mary said yes, square the circle.

3. Jesus stated that the whole problem in planning an end of the world (particularly the end of history) sculpture, is that you have to speak of what lies beyond the end and also, at the same time, of the impossibility of ending.

Action Items:

1. Gabriel suggested he could provide Martha with an Immaculate Conception demonstration. Martha declined. Mary said Martha really should reconsider.

2. Mary stated the sculpture should be ready for the perceived if not actual cessation of the existence of temporality currently scheduled for this coming December 21st, though the date might be fudged a little.

3. Joseph will check Mary’s schedule and compile a list of possible alternate dates for the annihilation of the world and consequent extermination of the human species, inevitable but impredictable.

4. Joseph to check with Cassandra’s assistant: see when we can schedule a prediction on that.

4. Because Jesus is so damn linear, he will provide us with an end of the world, despite mathematical appearances that there will be no end because we are already in an excess of ends: the transfinite. And in an exceeding of finalities: transfinality.

5. Mary wants the sculpture to be both fascinating and spiritually enthralling, and as we have no vision of final conditions, it must portray an image of negative destiny in a kind of a retrospective arrangement. Also, Mary wishes to see herself as others see her.

6. Martha requires the following materials: two brushes (one green one maroon) and one thousand one hundred thirty two sheets of tissue paper.

Minutes typed by: Joseph
Approved by: Mary, Virgin and CEO

The happy demise of all unhappy marriages.

Certaine Lordes came downe into thẽ nether houſe, and expreſſely declared cauſes, The marriage betwixt the King and the Lady Anne of Cleue, adiuged vnlawfull. for the which, the mariage was not to be taken lawfull: and in concluſion, the matter was by the conocation cleerely determined, that the King might lawfully marrie where he would, and ſo mighte ſhe. And thus were they clearely diuorſed, and by the Parliament it was enacted, that ſhee ſhoulde bee taken no more for Q. but called the Ladye Anne of Cleue10:10 pm

Scene: [In the house that Jack built, you know the one, where comes the fire that burns up the staff, that beat up the dog, that bit the cat, that ate up the goat — the one my father bought for two zuzim, in the house that Jack built.  In the house that Jack built (Conference Room C, Holy Mother Public Relations Inc.) Eve, Mary, Peter Piscator, Joseph the Joiner, and William Haley celebrate the sudden – at – the – moment – though – from – lingering – illness –  often – previously – expectorated – divorce of Adam and Eve.]

William Haley:  [Filling cups, some decline but Mary is front and center.  No surprise there.] Friends, let us raise a glass to this occasion of Eve and Adam’s postcreation.  Here’s to Eve who is like a flame of many colors of precious jewels, to Adam

Eve: Do we have to toast to Adam?

William Haley: To the vicar of Rome and of Bray, and to all our deceased friends who are more really with us than when they were apparent to our mortal part.  And to

Mary: [Thirstily] Here here!

[All quaff from their mazers]

St Bernard:  The cake is delicious, Peter, did you make it yourself?

Peter Piscator:  No. No, no.  I got it for a song.  Just a penny pippin.

Joseph the Joiner:  Really?  It looks like it would have set you back at least $50.  Although I find it a bit subsubstantial.

Mary:  I find you a bit subsubstantial.

William Haley:  None of that Mary.  Tonight is for Eve’s happiness, which has wings and wheels.  Miseries are leaden legged and their whole employment is to clip the wings and to take off the wheels of our chariots.

Eve:  That’s beautiful, William.  Did you just come up with that now?

Peter Piscator:  No, no.  No.  That sounds like he stole it from what’s his name, that devoted rebel. You know, the enthusiastic hope-fostered visionary.

William Haley:  You are quite wrong sir, and you injure me in your so saying.  But I shall ignore you.  A blight never does good to a tree and if a blight kill not a tree but it still bear fruit let none say that the fruit was in consequence of the blight.

Mary:  Jeepers Chrysthanthemum.  Somebody cut that cake, will you.  Let’s get this party going.

Joseph the Joiner:  Let’s not Mary.  Last time you ended up in bed with a pigeon.

Mary:  That was a rumor started by Leo Taxil.  Please.  What’s it to you if I knew God or I didn’t know God or if I had a pregnancy without joy, a birth without pain, a body without blemish, a belly without bigness.  You want to know if I still have a hymen?  Come and look!

Joseph: With will will we withstand withsay.

Mary:  Oh for the love of Christmas somebody hand over the cake.

William Haley:  For as man liveth not by bread alone, Mary, I shall live although I should want bread.  Who is that hiding under that table?

St. Bernard:  Mary! Mary!  You are the mother of the word incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me

Mary:  St. Bernard.  He’s become the creature of my creature.

Eve:  Creepy.  Let’s get rid of him.

William Haley:  We can’t get rid of him.  Time’s ruins build eternity’s mansions.  He like us all is the word made flesh.  Get rid of the flesh and he’ll become word for all eternity connected to us all as by navelcord to navelcord entwining back to Eve.

Mary:  Well now I don’t want cake anymore.

Eve:  Who invited that guy?

A beacon ever to the stormtossed heart of man, Mary, star of the sea.

Qui donc, si ce n'est un homme, vous a mis dans cette fichue position? C'est le pigeon, Joseph.Holy Mother Public Relations
8:00 pm
 

Recording No. 1132.  The memoirs of Mary, Holy Virgin, Mother of God, Star of the Sea, Pillar of Ivory, Mystical Rose, Beloved among Joseph are you recording all that shit?  Holy Je, uh.  Shit!  Can’t say the bloody kid’s name or he shows up every damn time.  Chrackers!  It’s just not the same.  Get on with it for the love of before I forget what I want to say and CEO Holy Mother Public Relations.  Memoir notes.

Mary:  Can you hear me?  Start?  Right.  The rite of Onella, the torch-light.  So he’s ready but you’re not.  And then he thinks, better wait and now you’re in bed with a man holding back for all he’s worth.  Just what we’re looking for from a man, eh chicas?  There he is teetering and then 32 feet per second per second takes over and now he’s falling.  Or he’s in that kairotic sweet spot between potential and kinetic and hey look at me, I’m extending the moment.  Nooooooooooow.  But just for you buddy.  Give me rising, not falling.  So I push and out with him.  Girls, size them up before you let them in your bed, you listening?  Talk to each other, tell your sisters what he does and won’t do. Life is too short to let any cholo climb in your windows just because he looks good and has flowers. Telling you about the motion of the ocean. It’s the size of the wave, girls, and unless you talk to each other, you don’t know what you’re getting.

Joseph:  Mary?  Mary, can you hold off?  For just a minute?  Having some technical difficulties with the equipment.

Mary:  He think’s a minute is enough.

In the Star and Garter: reflect, ponder, excogitate, reply.

Kyrie eleison12:26 pm

Virgin Mary:  (On the God mic) Welcome everybody, thank you all so much for coming today to the Star and Garter ballroom here in the Empyrean building.  We’ll get started in a few moments and as you can see we don’t have an equal number of men and women, so if you find yourself waiting, please form an orderly cue here near the front and we will direct you where to go next.  Please write your names clearly on your name tags and make sure they are visible.  You will only have eight minutes for each date so please make your time count.  No time to be shy folks, really put yourselves out there.  So.  Right.  We’d like to ask the women to choose a table, whichever one you want, it doesn’t matter, and the men will rotate from table to table when you hear the bell.  Please do not linger as there will be time during the mixer for follow-up conversations and you will not want to take time away from your next date.  Are you ready?  (off mic) Joseph, did you prep Helen?

Joseph:  As well as I could boss, but she doesn’t seem cooperative.

Virgin Mary:  Stuck up bitch.  Nothing but problems since we took her on.  Well, we need to find her a man she won’t want to run away from, even if she didn’t actually run in the first place.  And that blind date with Adam Kadmon went nowhere.

Joseph:  Not each other’s type.

Virgin Mary: No.  He wants more of a viper.  Ok here we go.  (On the God mic).  All right everybody, relax, have a good time, and remember with only eight minutes there is no reason to have anything but a fun conversation.  Stay on neutral subjects, in other words don’t talk about sex, and remember that our policy is no sex before monogamy.  Ok, Bell!

Bell: Heigho! Heigho!

Garrett Deasy:  Hello pretty lady.

Helen:  Hi.  So, what should we?

Garret Deasy:  I brought a writing sample in case you.

Helen:  You want me to read this?

Garret Deasy:  Maybe later.

Helen:  There’s a bit torn off.

Garret Deasy:  Metaphor for my life, I’ve been a bit short taken.

Helen:  So have you ever been married?

Garret Deasy:  Still am.  The bloodiest old tartar God ever made.  She once threw soup in a waiter’s face.

Helen:  Great.  What’s that on your face?

Garret Deasy:  Foot and mouth disease.

Bell:  Heigho! Heigho!

Helen:  Thank God.  Hi.

Vampire:  Hello.  You are a creature beautiful.  Want to put your mouth to my mouth?

Helen:  Not really.  Sheesh, age preceeds creepy.  Let’s not talk.

Vampire:  Yes, yes.  Your foot, allow me to put it in my mouth.  You look like the sort who could bring sin into the world, ships to the seas.  Um.  I don’t want to be rude or anything, but aren’t you going to say anything?

Helen:  Nope.

Bell:  Heigho! Heigho!

Helen:  This is already looking like a lost cause.  Hello, I’m Helen.

Napoleon:  Napoleon.

Helen:  Well, when you sit down you pretty much disappear, don’t you.  So what do you do?

Napoleon:  I am an Emperor, undefeated.  You?

Helen: Kyrios!  Lord!  That is impressive at least.  I think the last guy was a cloacamaker, woof he stank!

Napoleon:  Nature has endowed me with a virile and decisive character.

Helen:  And your other, endowments?  Judging from your stature I think it fair of me to wonder.

Napoleon:  Hasn’t it been eight minutes yet?

Bell:  Heigho! Heigho!

Helen:  Oh lord what now.  Hi I’m Helen.  What’s wrong with your head?

Pyrrhus:  (sniffing, wearing a bandage wrapped around his head with dried blood showing through the gauze) Got brained with a brick.  Saw it coming too.

Helen:  You ok?

Pyrrhus:  Yes.  No.  I’m sorry, I’m not very good at this.  I’m just feeling so, I don’t know, so overwhelmed.  I think it is some sort of existential crisis.

Helen:  Oh honey, please don’t worry about it.  You’ll be ok.

Pyrrhus:  You are so sweet.  I guess I was a bit misled in the past and now I feel like everything is a battle and I always fall.

Helen:  Oh poor, poor, poor Pyrrhus!

Pyrrhus:  My analyst says I shouldn’t just dump this all out when I first meet somebody, I should highlight the radiance of my intellect, the language of my mind.  But I don’t know.  I think I’m a lost cause.

Helen:  Poor, poor, poor Pyrrhus, I am loyal to lost causes!  I’ve never been loyal to the successful.  Success for me is the death of the intellect and the imagination.

Pyrrhus: You mean it?

Helen:  I do.

Pyrrhus:  You are a rose!  A rose of Castile!

Helen:  Of where?

Bell: Liliata rutilantium. Turma circumdet, Iubilantium te virginum.

Virgin Mary:  [On the God mic] Ok, nice speed dating people!  We’ll take a short break, have a brief mixer, then do another round.  That was great everybody! I feel so optimistic for all of you!

Joseph:  You do?

Virgin Mary:  Oh lord no.  This was supposed to help Helen’s image and who does she like?  Boohoo Pyrrhus.  Well, time is money.  Let’s get on with this travesty and have done with it.  These are disappointed people, but we mustn’t make a mockery of their disappointment.  And Joseph?

Joseph:  Yes Holy Mother?

Virgin Mary:  I am not your mother; I wish you wouldn’t call me that.  Joseph, find Jesus.  We’ll be needing lots more wine.