Having my way with Ulysses

The happy demise of all unhappy marriages.

Certaine Lordes came downe into thẽ nether houſe, and expreſſely declared cauſes, The marriage betwixt the King and the Lady Anne of Cleue, adiuged vnlawfull. for the which, the mariage was not to be taken lawfull: and in concluſion, the matter was by the conocation cleerely determined, that the King might lawfully marrie where he would, and ſo mighte ſhe. And thus were they clearely diuorſed, and by the Parliament it was enacted, that ſhee ſhoulde bee taken no more for Q. but called the Ladye Anne of Cleue10:10 pm

Scene: [In the house that Jack built, you know the one, where comes the fire that burns up the staff, that beat up the dog, that bit the cat, that ate up the goat — the one my father bought for two zuzim, in the house that Jack built.  In the house that Jack built (Conference Room C, Holy Mother Public Relations Inc.) Eve, Mary, Peter Piscator, Joseph the Joiner, and William Haley celebrate the sudden – at – the – moment – though – from – lingering – illness –  often – previously – expectorated – divorce of Adam and Eve.]

William Haley:  [Filling cups, some decline but Mary is front and center.  No surprise there.] Friends, let us raise a glass to this occasion of Eve and Adam’s postcreation.  Here’s to Eve who is like a flame of many colors of precious jewels, to Adam

Eve: Do we have to toast to Adam?

William Haley: To the vicar of Rome and of Bray, and to all our deceased friends who are more really with us than when they were apparent to our mortal part.  And to

Mary: [Thirstily] Here here!

[All quaff from their mazers]

St Bernard:  The cake is delicious, Peter, did you make it yourself?

Peter Piscator:  No. No, no.  I got it for a song.  Just a penny pippin.

Joseph the Joiner:  Really?  It looks like it would have set you back at least $50.  Although I find it a bit subsubstantial.

Mary:  I find you a bit subsubstantial.

William Haley:  None of that Mary.  Tonight is for Eve’s happiness, which has wings and wheels.  Miseries are leaden legged and their whole employment is to clip the wings and to take off the wheels of our chariots.

Eve:  That’s beautiful, William.  Did you just come up with that now?

Peter Piscator:  No, no.  No.  That sounds like he stole it from what’s his name, that devoted rebel. You know, the enthusiastic hope-fostered visionary.

William Haley:  You are quite wrong sir, and you injure me in your so saying.  But I shall ignore you.  A blight never does good to a tree and if a blight kill not a tree but it still bear fruit let none say that the fruit was in consequence of the blight.

Mary:  Jeepers Chrysthanthemum.  Somebody cut that cake, will you.  Let’s get this party going.

Joseph the Joiner:  Let’s not Mary.  Last time you ended up in bed with a pigeon.

Mary:  That was a rumor started by Leo Taxil.  Please.  What’s it to you if I knew God or I didn’t know God or if I had a pregnancy without joy, a birth without pain, a body without blemish, a belly without bigness.  You want to know if I still have a hymen?  Come and look!

Joseph: With will will we withstand withsay.

Mary:  Oh for the love of Christmas somebody hand over the cake.

William Haley:  For as man liveth not by bread alone, Mary, I shall live although I should want bread.  Who is that hiding under that table?

St. Bernard:  Mary! Mary!  You are the mother of the word incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me

Mary:  St. Bernard.  He’s become the creature of my creature.

Eve:  Creepy.  Let’s get rid of him.

William Haley:  We can’t get rid of him.  Time’s ruins build eternity’s mansions.  He like us all is the word made flesh.  Get rid of the flesh and he’ll become word for all eternity connected to us all as by navelcord to navelcord entwining back to Eve.

Mary:  Well now I don’t want cake anymore.

Eve:  Who invited that guy?

Princes persecute me without cause, but my heart stands in awe of your words.

Great peace have those who love your law; nothing can make them stumble. 2:55 pm

Sit to it.  A charming day to begin.  Sit down and take a walk.  Yes, my protagonist a listless lady, no more young.  Aged and virtuous and badtempered woman.  I must write it without nostalgia.  Throw in local color.  All I know.  The onelegged sailor on crutches just now?  Angry.  Growling.  Not right for my little book.  Post traumatic, you see, home from war, leg left behind.  O Lord, look upon Thy servant laboring under bodily weakness. Cherish and receive the soul which Thou hast created, so that, purified by his sufferings, he may soon find himself healed by Thy mercy.  Through Christ our Lord.  A charming woman with such a, what should I say?  Such a queenly mein.  Did she commit adultery fully with her husband’s brother?  Eiaculatio seminis inter vas naturale mulieris?  Only her confessor would know and we never tell.  Secrets.  God created the sexual drive for more than procreation but why?  The ways of God are not our ways.  I’ve heard much from our good people.  An aged and virtuous and badtempered woman wants to keep confessing.  Bless you my child now get on with you.  Bless you my child.  Off you go.  Amen.  Amen now.  I bear your secrets confessed.  Now the book.  A woman like Mrs. Sheehy, two boys.  Young, delightful boys.  Wonderful little schoolboys.  Asked after Father Vaughan, his sermon on Pilate impressed her.  Simple, respectable woman.  He has been transferred again to another parish.  He won’t be back.  The ways of God are not our ways.  But my little book.  A woman perhaps like Mrs. McGuinness, stately like Mary, Queen of Scots.  A pawnbroker, imagine that.  Doing quite well these days.  What time is it?  The ninth hour.  The death of Christ, his descent into hell.  People are more open to temptation at this hour.  More than any other time.  I must be guarded.  Protect my soul, God’s soul if one might say, created by God.  We die a bit in this hour; our souls descend to hell.  In this hour Adam and Eve, serpent plagued, were driven from the garden.  Viperous temptations.  And fasting.  Don’t eat of the fruit.  Don’t eat of anything.  Nothing into the mouth.  Respectful, grave, Mr. Denis J Maginni professor of dancing and much else surprises passersby with the contrasting effect of a serious disposition with tight lavender skinnyjeans.  This is the hour schoolboys leave their lessons and raise their young mouths in play, young cries in the quiet.  Schoolboys, good boys.  What was that boy’s name?  Dignam.  Yes.  Martin Cunningham’s request.  Yes.  Yes indeed.  Oblige him if possible.  Youthful bodies bounding in play.  Good boys at school.  Good little men.  Grow up.  Become like the young man and his young woman emerging from the shrubberies.  God’s ways are not our ways.  His face, flushed looking two ways toward terror and pity.  Rubbing his groin in his pockets.  Looks two ways toward desire and loathing.  Rubbing his groin.  A hooded reptilian face.  poignant eyes, reptile like.  Self-embittered: a shriveled soul.  That tyrannous incontinence necessary to maintain our race on earth.  Then death to so many, and so many unprepared.  Through this holy unction may the Lord pardon thee whatever sins or faults thou hast committed then give them to Corny Kelleher to prepare for burial.  I feel it incumbent upon myself to say a few words before I descend into excessive solemnity.  I like cheerful decorum.  Perhaps I will join them together, bride and bridegroom.  Beautiful weather today.  A charming day.  Delightful indeed.  A peaceful day.

We have committed many errors

To course across more kindly waters now my talent's little vessel lifts her sails, leaving behind itself a sea so cruel; and what I sing will be that second kingdom, in which the human soul is cleansed of sin, becoming worthy of ascent to Heaven.

Holy Mother Public Relations, Inc.
10th Heaven
Empyrean

Meeting Minutes

Date:  February 6
Time:  10:53 am
Location:  10th Heaven conference room C, Empyrean building
Purpose:   Initial branding meeting with Eve, Helen of Troy, and continuation of Mary Magdalene campaign.

 

Attendees:

The Virgin Mary, Meeting Host 
Eve, New client
Helen of Troy, New client
Mary Magdalene, Client

 

Agenda:

1.  Brainstorm joint PR campaign for Eve and Helen
2.  Develop action plans for Eve and Helen of Troy
3.  Mary Magdalene continuation of action plan
4.  Develop possibilities for negative PR, maybe something new this time.

 

Discussion:

1.  Mary discussed success re: her own case.  Talking points were her unexplained pregnancy and potential social disaster.  PR push.  Damage control.  Result: everybody thinks she’s a virgin and the daughter of her own son.  She is now widely esteemed with stellar poll numbers particularly in Latin America and parts of Europe.

2.  Discussed efficacy of article placement in cross-platform media outlets except billboards; speaking engagements (appearances in dreams, visions, usual platforms), charity functions, direct marketing, and crisis management.  Possible planting of artifacts in archeological sites.  Problem, Eden: fictional.

3.  Eve.  Primary problem — blamed for fall of humanity.  Expulsion from garden.  Also, labor pains.  Discussed fault of serpent and Adam complicity.

4.  Helen of Troy.  Blamed for Trojan war / fall of Troy, labeled a runaway wife but was kidnapped.  Fault: Aphrodite.  Also, Menelaus not most ideal husband.  And Helen from Sparta not Troy.

5.  Mary Magdalene.  Reputation as notorious prostitute.  Victim of slander, possibly at the hands of Martha (sister).  In later stages of PR campaign.  Discussed her campaign as example for new clients Eve and Helen.  Success of Da Vinci Code campaign.

Action Items:

1.  Contact apple growers associations in top ten apple producing countries for possible promotional opportunities, or photo ops with focus on developing a more positive association between the apple and Eve (tree of knowledge) & Helen (apple of discord.)

2.   Brainstorm negative PR campaigns for Adam, Serpent, Menelaus, Aphrodite, and Martha (litigious).  Send intern to look through garbage of each.  Have paparazzi follow.

3.  Possible ad campaign promoting benefits of epidural anesthesia.  (Eve)

4.  Helen, face of international shipping?  Research availability of 1000 ships for possible televison commercial, print media, and viral you tube video.

5.  Mary Magdalene, The Da Vinci Code part 2?  Check availability of Dan Brown, Tom Hanks.

6.  Develop app for Da Vinci Code part 1.

 
Minutes typed by: Joseph
Approved by:  Mary, Virgin and CEO