Having my way with Ulysses

Heteroousios Dinner Theatre Presents: Contransmagnificandjewbangtantiality Starring Arius the Illstarred Heresiarch!

Far worse than uselessly he leaves the shore more full of error than he was before, who fishes for the truth but lacks the art. Of this Parmenides, Melissus, Bryson are clear proofs to the world and many others who went their way but knew not where it went; so did Sabellius and Arius and other fools, like concave blades that mirror, who rendered crooked the straight face of Scriptures. So too let men not be too confident in judging, witness those who in the field would count the ears before the corn is ripe11:03 am

God:  Hello! God here.  Aleph, Alpha, no headset chatter please.  Jesus let me know when you have places.

Jesus:  Nobody can find Arius.

God:   What! Why?  Entrées are coming out of the kitchen already.  Just look!  Plate after plate of clotted hinderparts.  Where in my name is he?

Jesus:  Not, not one of us can find him.

God:  Oh Christ.

Jesus: [materializes in the booth]  I’m here.

God:  Holy Jesus Christ you scared the shit out of me!  What are you doing in the booth?  It’s as if you came from nowhere.

Jesus:  Sorry.  I thought we should keep this off the headsets.  Arius said some odd things before the show.  Something about how you are not really my dad and we are both part of the same thing.  And that I should be co-stage manager instead of ASM.  Also, he didn’t look very good.

God:  I know, he was terrible in the first act, coming down the steps flabbily, with splayed feet.

Jesus:  And he had the worst gas.  Smelled like he was about to have a violent relaxation of his bowels.  Those front row tables!  I wept for them.

God:  Is that what that was?  I smelled it in the booth!  Look, we can’t just sit here navel gazing, we’re out of time.  Have you checked the toilet?

Jesus:  I just had that same thought.  I’ll look there, but I have a bad feeling about it.

God:  I just thought that same thing!  It’s like we have one mind.  Oh and Jesus, we should look into replacing him.  How about Adam Kadmon?  He can play anything.  Where’s that review of Edenville?  Here.  Listen to this: “he was a man and a woman at the same time”  he can play all the roles!  And this: “quite pure in breeding.  He could give birth parthenogenically at will.”

Jesus:  We can have a cast of thousands!

God:  “and he had a body that could pass through trees and stones”  that might be hard to plan for.  Think our technical director is up for it?

Jesus:  Heva?  Come on, she’s a viper.

God:  Well, go see if Arius is stalled on the throne or somewhere.  And don’t forget we are meeting for drinks at The Ship at half twelve.  And by the way, go easy with your money like a good young imbecile.

Gone too from the world

A darkness shining in brightness which brightness could not comprehend.10:20 am

Scene: [A narrow street in 12th century Cordoba, Spain.  Two men are huddled together, tussling over a cracked mirror.  They are fighting but palpably they are not angry.  These men are close in age and have known each other since childhood.]

Abulguailid Muhammad Ibn-Ahmad ibn-Muhammad ibn-Rushd (aka Benraist, Avenryz, Aben-Rassad, and regionally Averroes):  Give it back!

Moses Maimonides: No!

Averroes:  [letting go suddenly so the mirror strikes Moses Maimonides in the chest] Fine.  Go ahead and try.  But you know you can’t reach him without me.

Moses Maimonides:  (defeated, with a sigh) Together then.  But I speak first.

Averroes:  Agreed.  Now make room, I can’t see.

Moses Maimonides:  That better?

Averroes:  Yes.  Ok go.

Together:  We call upon the ani

Moses Maimonides:  Stop!  I’m speaking first.

Averroes:  Fine.  Agreed.  Let’s get on with it.

Together: We call upon the anima mundi, the great soul of the world, to show us in this mirror the face of the one we most believe, the seeker of pure truth.

[The face of Aristotle appears in the mirror.  He is irritated.]

Aristotle:  You two again.  Sheesh, can’t you leave a man in peace?  What do you want now?  I’m busy.  Aquinas and I were trying to prove some nonsense of his with algebra over lunch.  Well, he was having lunch, I was in the mirror.  So what now?

Averroes:  I have found two words in your Poetics that I do not understand.

Moses Maimonides:  No.  Stop.  Don’t listen to him.  We want to ask you about resurrection.  I think that once we are dead that’s it for the body.  In the world to come we will be souls but won’t need bodies.  I’m certain you believe this is true.

Averroes:  Incoherence!  That is the incoherence of incoherence!  There will be no personal immortality; we are all participating in the same intellect.  Now as for those words I cannot translate

Aristotle:  Have you read nothing I have written.  Read first before you bother me!  Look.  I’m going to give you a piece of advice.  Focus on the here and the now.  That should be enough for both of you.  Stick with the observable and above all, break that mirror and leave me alone!

Averroes:  But I must understand!  What is the meaning of comedy and tragedy?  What are these things?

(In a blaze of pyrotechnics Aristotle makes his exit.  Moses Maimonides obediently, and also in an attempt to reach the other side, smashes his face into the mirror.  It shatters and in the reflected multiplicities of the shards still falling, Moses Maimonides sees the reflection of Averroes and the bloody mess of his own face, perplexed, gently disappear.)

They are not to be thought away

10:06 am

Scene: [An endlessly large room once belonging to to all the infinite possibilities but now cavernously empty save for two people, Caesar and Pyrrhus.  They have iron clamps around their wrists and ankles which are connected together by a series of chains.  The symbol Ψ has been freshly branded onto their foreheads.  Pyrrhus has an enormous lump on his head, bleeding].

Time: [speaking through the god mic]  Nice work gentlemen, well done.  You ousted some stubborn possibilities, but they are gone now to their own places.  And here you are.

Caesar:  Who said that?

Pyrrhus:  It came from everywhere.  What is it talking about?

Time:  Everywhen.  So let’s see, Caesar you are the Caesar whose wife felt there was some bad juju afoot but you ignored her and chose to go to work.  Tough call that one.  You had lots of other selves to boot out of here.  Good ones too.  I’ll be talking to them soon enough.

Caesar:  What other selves?  I’m here.  This is me!

Time: [suppressing laughter] Well I say that, but I am talking to all of your other selves at this very moment.  I say moment!  I crack myself up sometimes.  And Pyrrhus I see here that you also ignored a perfectly good prophecy and got yourself killed in Argos.

Pyrrhus:  I’m dead?

Time:  You are both dead and alive until somebody checks to see.  Then your chances of one or the other are most likely 70/30.

Phyrrus:  What?!  70/30 which way?

Time:  Both.  This is both/and, honey.  Oh wait, look who I am talking to, you are the Phyrrus that came to pass in this universe, I forget that you think you are unique.

Caesar: [Voice trembling with outrage] Listen you, I demand you release me at once and return me to Rome.  I have legions at my command and I will set them upon you with all force!  Tell us no more of your insanity; I refuse to believe another word.

Time:  Travel to other universes is strictly forbidden.  And you will believe what you wish to be true.  Isn’t that so Caesar?

Caesar:  Humph.  Rings a bell.

Pyrrhus: [Sobbing, snot dripping from his nose uncontrollably] But I am unique!  Aren’t I?  Can any other Pyrrhus be possible seeing that they never were?  And what about me?  I am here.  I must be the only Pyrrhus possible.  Right?

Time:  Oh, you sweet thing.  Here, blow.  [A tissue drops from above, another floats up through the trap door].

Pyrrhus:  Thanks.  I’m just.  I don’t know.  I’m just upset.

Caesar:  Candyass pussy.

Time:  There there, honey, it’s ok.  In another universe you feel perfectly happy.

Caesar:  What are you talking about!  You had better explain yourself or I’ll

Time:  You’ll what?  You are chained here.  You live here now.  This is it for you, you chose your part, this is what it is and for you this is the only is.  Finito.  There is no other option.  Well there are infinite other options, everything that is possible happens, but this is the configuration of reality you chose.  This particular you, that is.  The moment you decided to ignore Calpurnia (not to mention that psychic who said the 15th would be challenging) and head off to the Senate, you split into copies of yourself.  You do it all the time.  Brush your teeth starting on the left, one copy of you is off to its own universe, start on the right, another copy of you in its own universe, etc. etc. ad infinitum.  You are legion.

Pyrrhus: [Tearful]  But I don’t feel myself splitting into copies.  Wouldn’t we know?

Time:  Do you feel the Earth rotate?

Caesar:  It rotates?

Time:  Bad example.

Pyrrhus: [Sniffing] Where are these worlds?

Time:  Right here sweetie, all over the place.

Pyrrhus: [with rising panic] But, I’m confused.  If all possible choices are always made, nothing left unchosen, then what about free will?  Do we still have free will?

Time:  Shh shh shh.  There there, now.  Just relax.  All in good time.

[Time hums a lullaby from The Wind WeaverPyrrhus curls up on the floor and pats himself with smooth caresses.  Caesar wraps his chains around Pyrrhus’ neck and pulls]

The Wind Weaver, Starring Michael The Archangel, with The Apostles, introducing Matthias and featuring four Heretics!

Hear, hear! Prolonged applause.9:30 am

God: [On the god mic] Alright everybody, settle in.  We have a 7:00 curtain for tomorrow’s opening and you have a 6:30 half hour so for the love of me let’s be ready for it.  Jesus did you call the understudy for Judas?

Jesus:  He’s here.

Matthias:  I’m here.

God: [On the god mic]  Good.  Ok.  We reblocked so remember heretics you enter from downstage right and your exit is the trapdoor.  Apostles your entrance is upstage center.  Try to remember this time Simon, and don’t come charging out from downstage.

Simon the Apostle: Sorry about that.

God: [On the god mic]  No problem Simon, just a bit less zealous this time.

Michael the Archangel: Do you want me to actually strike down the heretics or

God: [On the god mic]  No no, just take their weapons away and kick them into the void.  Right.  Let’s see if we can get through this quickly.  We need to tighten up cues and everybody be on top of your entrances.  Head in the game people, angels.  Places everyone, from the top of the show.  Standby on lights 1 through 5.  Standby sound A.  Let me know when you have places.

Jesus:  We have places.  [To self] Does he need to say everything on the god mic?

God: [On the god mic]  I heard that.  No headset chatter please.  Go to black.  Light 1 go.  Light 2 go.  Sound A go.

 

[Apostles enter from upstage center and sing polyphonically.  Michael the Archangel enters from upstage left.  Heretics enter from downstage right.]

Michael the Archangel:  [disarmingly] Halt heretics!

Photius: [mockingly] Whatcha gonna do about it?  [sing-song voice] You are too weak to stop me!

Arius: [aggressively] Word!

Valentine:  [in a spurning tone]  Your god has no body!  Your god has no body!

Sabellius:  [subtly] Whatever.  You are all the same to me.

God: [On the god mic]  Ok, hold.  Thomas, what in my name are you doing?

Thomas:  I don’t think this is working.

Peter:  Shut up Thomas, do you have to question everything?

Phillip:  Was I any good?

Andrew:   You were marvelous!

Phillip:  Really?  I was?

Thomas:  I’m just saying that I’m not feeling this.  I don’t believe what we are doing here.  Doesn’t seem real, I have to feel it to be on board.

Michael the Archangel:  Thomas I swear to stage manager, I’m going to kick your ass.

Thomas: I’m just saying, I’m not buying it.  The superstition, the void.  I mean come on, what’s under that trap door?

God: [On the god mic]  Nothing’s under there, it’s a void.  Thomas if you don’t get back to your place and do your job I’ll strike you down, I swear to me I’ll do it, so help me me!

Thomas:  That’s it.  I’m sick of this shit.  MACBETH!!

Peter: No! No! No!

Michael the Archangel:  Shit!  We have enough problems, do you have to borrow trouble?

Arius:  You cursed the show!  And I wanted to be the one to do it.

Sabellius: Whatever.

Photius:  Who here wants to run this show our own way somewhere else?

[Apostles spit over their shoulders, heretics turn three times, crew led by Jesus run outside to circle the theatre three times.]

God: [On the god mic]  Holy mother of me it’s going to take an act of me to get this thing off the ground.