God: [On the god mic] Alright everybody, settle in. We have a 7:00 curtain for tomorrow’s opening and you have a 6:30 half hour so for the love of me let’s be ready for it. Jesus did you call the understudy for Judas?
Jesus: He’s here.
Matthias: I’m here.
God: [On the god mic] Good. Ok. We reblocked so remember heretics you enter from downstage right and your exit is the trapdoor. Apostles your entrance is upstage center. Try to remember this time Simon, and don’t come charging out from downstage.
Simon the Apostle: Sorry about that.
God: [On the god mic] No problem Simon, just a bit less zealous this time.
Michael the Archangel: Do you want me to actually strike down the heretics or
God: [On the god mic] No no, just take their weapons away and kick them into the void. Right. Let’s see if we can get through this quickly. We need to tighten up cues and everybody be on top of your entrances. Head in the game people, angels. Places everyone, from the top of the show. Standby on lights 1 through 5. Standby sound A. Let me know when you have places.
Jesus: We have places. [To self] Does he need to say everything on the god mic?
God: [On the god mic] I heard that. No headset chatter please. Go to black. Light 1 go. Light 2 go. Sound A go.
[Apostles enter from upstage center and sing polyphonically. Michael the Archangel enters from upstage left. Heretics enter from downstage right.]
Michael the Archangel: [disarmingly] Halt heretics!
Photius: [mockingly] Whatcha gonna do about it? [sing-song voice] You are too weak to stop me!
Arius: [aggressively] Word!
Valentine: [in a spurning tone] Your god has no body! Your god has no body!
Sabellius: [subtly] Whatever. You are all the same to me.
God: [On the god mic] Ok, hold. Thomas, what in my name are you doing?
Thomas: I don’t think this is working.
Peter: Shut up Thomas, do you have to question everything?
Phillip: Was I any good?
Andrew: You were marvelous!
Phillip: Really? I was?
Thomas: I’m just saying that I’m not feeling this. I don’t believe what we are doing here. Doesn’t seem real, I have to feel it to be on board.
Michael the Archangel: Thomas I swear to stage manager, I’m going to kick your ass.
Thomas: I’m just saying, I’m not buying it. The superstition, the void. I mean come on, what’s under that trap door?
God: [On the god mic] Nothing’s under there, it’s a void. Thomas if you don’t get back to your place and do your job I’ll strike you down, I swear to me I’ll do it, so help me me!
Thomas: That’s it. I’m sick of this shit. MACBETH!!
Peter: No! No! No!
Michael the Archangel: Shit! We have enough problems, do you have to borrow trouble?
Arius: You cursed the show! And I wanted to be the one to do it.
Photius: Who here wants to run this show our own way somewhere else?
[Apostles spit over their shoulders, heretics turn three times, crew led by Jesus run outside to circle the theatre three times.]
God: [On the god mic] Holy mother of me it’s going to take an act of me to get this thing off the ground.