Sly Uses

A star, a daystar, a firedrake, rose at his birth.

O, there be players that I have seen play -- and heard others praise, and that highly -- not to speak it profanely, that neither having th' accent of Christians, nor the gait of Christian, pagan, nor man, have so strutted and bellowed that I have thought some of Nature's journeymen had made man, and not made them well, they imitated humanity so abominably. 2:40 pm

[Scene: Empty theatre. The stage manager is sitting in the house seats next to the director, who is eating seeds from a broad silver and gilt bowl.]

God: List. You hear that? Must be seventy people out there. Jesus! Jesus Christ! Where the hell is he? [on the god mic] Jesus!

Jesus: [Materializes suddenly behind God, startling the director who flies up into the grid, landing on a downstage line set.] God damn it, it’s a mess out there. Actors are showing up before their check in times, and without their sides. We ran out of extras and I’m

God: Can’t you just make more?

Jesus: I’m not a miracle worker!

God: Well, how did you do that water into wine thing?

Jesus: Never mind that. What’s going on in here? Whose bright idea was it to hire a bird to be the director?

God: Oh please let’s not get into that. The whole Arian thing and the meetings in Nicaea and Constantinople, the Nestorian business. It’s in our contract. We’re stuck with him, and he likes to be a dove so what can we do? Anyway, I’m not entirely sure, but I think he’s ready to see the Bella Cohens. Anybody promising?

Jesus: Let’s see. A bunch of girls who had decent to middling parts in The Tempest, Pericles, Winter’s Tale.

God: Too young.

Jesus: Well, Cleopatra is out there.

God: Who?

Jesus: Fleshpot of Egypt. Also Cressida and Venus.

God: Venus might work, but she’s a big star. Can we afford her? And is she willing to do drag?

Jesus: Probably not. Will do nudity though, she’s naked now. And she’s not really a star. She’s flaming out. Also, we have a crowd of people out there claiming to be Shakespeare’s relations. Brothers, mother.

God: Mother? Mary Arden? Can she act? Would she be a good Bella?

[Bird droppings fall from above.]

God: Fine, we’ll tell Mary we’re going another way. Jesus, send in Venus. And warn her she might want to put some clothes on, the director is in a temper.

Heteroousios Dinner Theatre Presents: Contransmagnificandjewbangtantiality Starring Arius the Illstarred Heresiarch!

February 9th • Proteus

11:03 am

God: Hello! God here. Aleph, Alpha, no headset chatter please. Jesus let me know when you have places.

Jesus: Nobody can find Arius.

God: What! Why? Entrées are coming out of the kitchen already. Just look! Plate after plate of clotted hinderparts. Where in my name is he?

Jesus: Not, not one of us can find him.

God: Oh Christ.

Jesus: [materializes in the booth] I’m here.

God: Holy Jesus Christ you scared the shit out of me! What are you doing in the booth? It’s as if you came from nowhere.

Jesus: Sorry. I thought we should keep this off the headsets. Arius said some odd things before the show. Something about how you are not really my dad and we are both part of the same thing. And that I should be co-stage manager instead of ASM. Also, he didn’t look very good.

God: I know, he was terrible in the first act, coming down the steps flabbily, with splayed feet.

Jesus: And he had the worst gas. Smelled like he was about to have a violent relaxation of his bowels. Those front row tables! I wept for them.

God: Is that what that was? I smelled it in the booth! Look, we can’t just sit here navel gazing, we’re out of time. Have you checked the toilet?

Jesus: I just had that same thought. I’ll look there, but I have a bad feeling about it.

God: I just thought that same thing! It’s like we have one mind. Oh and Jesus, we should look into replacing him. How about Adam Kadmon? He can play anything. Where’s that review of Edenville? Here. Listen to this: “he was a man and a woman at the same time” he can play all the roles! And this: “quite pure in breeding. He could give birth parthenogenically at will.”

Jesus: We can have a cast of thousands!

God: “and he had a body that could pass through trees and stones” that might be hard to plan for. Think our technical director is up for it?

Jesus: Heva? Come on, she’s a viper.

God: Well, go see if Arius is stalled on the throne or somewhere. And don’t forget we are meeting for drinks at The Ship at half twelve. And by the way, go easy with your money like a good young imbecile.

The Wind Weaver, Starring Michael The Archangel, with The Apostles, introducing Matthias and featuring four Heretics!

January 15th • Telemachus

Hear, hear! Prolonged applause. 9:30 am

God: [On the god mic] Alright everybody, settle in. We have a 7:00 curtain for tomorrow’s opening and you have a 6:30 half hour so for the love of me let’s be ready for it. Jesus did you call the understudy for Judas?

Jesus: He’s here.

Matthias: I’m here.

God: [On the god mic] Good. Ok. We reblocked so remember heretics you enter from downstage right and your exit is the trapdoor. Apostles your entrance is upstage center. Try to remember this time Simon, and don’t come charging out from downstage.

Simon the Apostle: Sorry about that.

God: [On the god mic] No problem Simon, just a bit less zealous this time.

Michael the Archangel: Do you want me to actually strike down the heretics or

God: [On the god mic] No no, just take their weapons away and kick them into the void. Right. Let’s see if we can get through this quickly. We need to tighten up cues and everybody be on top of your entrances. Head in the game people, angels. Places everyone, from the top of the show. Standby on lights 1 through 5. Standby sound A. Let me know when you have places.

Jesus: We have places. [To self] Does he need to say everything on the god mic?

God: [On the god mic] I heard that. No headset chatter please. Go to black. Light 1 go. Light 2 go. Sound A go.

[Apostles enter from upstage center and sing polyphonically. Michael the Archangel enters from upstage left. Heretics enter from downstage right.]

Michael the Archangel: [disarmingly] Halt heretics!

Photius: [mockingly] Whatcha gonna do about it? [sing-song voice] You are too weak to stop me!

Arius: [aggressively] Word!

Valentine: [in a spurning tone] Your god has no body! Your god has no body!

Sabellius: [subtly] Whatever. You are all the same to me.

God: [On the god mic] Ok, hold. Thomas, what in my name are you doing?

Thomas: I don’t think this is working.

Peter: Shut up Thomas, do you have to question everything?

Phillip: Was I any good?

Andrew: You were marvelous!

Phillip: Really? I was?

Thomas: I’m just saying that I’m not feeling this. I don’t believe what we are doing here. Doesn’t seem real, I have to feel it to be on board.

Michael the Archangel: Thomas I swear to stage manager, I’m going to kick your ass.

Thomas: I’m just saying, I’m not buying it. The superstition, the void. I mean come on, what’s under that trap door?

God: [On the god mic] Nothing’s under there, it’s a void. Thomas if you don’t get back to your place and do your job I’ll strike you down, I swear to me I’ll do it, so help me me!

Thomas: That’s it. I’m sick of this shit. MACBETH!!

Peter: No! No! No!

Michael the Archangel: Shit! We have enough problems, do you have to borrow trouble?

Arius: You cursed the show! And I wanted to be the one to do it.

Sabellius: Whatever.

Photius: Who here wants to run this show our own way somewhere else?

[Apostles spit over their shoulders, heretics turn three times, crew led by Jesus run outside to circle the theatre three times.]

God: [On the god mic] Holy mother of me it’s going to take an act of me to get this thing off the ground.