Having my way with Ulysses

How flat they look all of a sudden after. Peaceful eyes. Weight off their mind.

shhhhh1:23 pm

Time means nothing.  Nothing at all.  Eighty seven hours so far?  Is that what they said talking about me like I’m not here in this body.  It’s the body and the baby they focus on.  I’m in here if you want to know is she Latina ask me bitches I’m right here!  Talking behind my head here comes one.  Pain it comes from far away, a distance away.  From some other place then it is here now ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.


Remembered not to hold my breath that time.  Make the noise.  Helps, not sure how.  Sacred ohm sounding, but doula didn’t get it when I told her.  Minute and a half?  Means nothing.  Time stretches and contracts like me stretches contracts dilates, not like me.  Never felt it like this before.  Feel it undulating with me during, when.  Pushing through me like a wave in a tube.  How many centimeters.  Just a bit left they said.  Stuck. Watching me watching them sharpening the knives.  Give her one more hour then cut her open, get it done.  Walk more.  Rock.  Birth ball.  Dance shuffle side to side.  Again same hallway again.  Walk.  Come on.   Anesthesiologist checking in.   Standing by.  Wants to go to lunch probably.   Plotting.   Here comes one, distant traveler, coming closer, time unduuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuulaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatiooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum.

Oh.  Never ends.  I live here now.  The after, it went more quickly than they say.  I am fine between.  Ready.  Should have ignored midwife.  Get in the bath she said, slow it down so you can rest.  Rest my ass.  Pretending to sleep so he could sleep.  I need him later.  Rest, you’ll never rest again.  Pain worse lying down.  Pacing in patterns.  I don’t remember the first day much.  Now.  All that is.  Everything and nothing.  Time shortened and lengthened together.  When the pain comes time comes with it, squeezing.  A peristaltic now.  They told me not to eat.   Don’t vomit when we slice into you.  Sneaking food.  Can’t do it for this long just on fumes.   Inhumane.   Do they remember my humanity.  I am a human body and no more.  I was in here too.  Before. Then there’s that one at her computer.  Recording angel obstetric nurse who never had a baby.  The miracle of life, the beauty of birth, shut the fuck up.  Coming now.  She’ll see it on her monitor.  Hasn’t looked at me in hours.  Like a visit from purity of and God and pain and pain.  aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

Oh Christ I am running out of time.  I need help.  help me.  help me.  Grandma come.  I need you.  Show up.  Everybody out grandma come.  Hello.  Hand on my face.  smile.  She looks.  And then she is with.  Mamama.  Mamama here.  Hello.  Hello.  Help me Mamama.  She stands aside and a veiled woman.  Older.  Mamama touches my hair, holding me calm.  The veiled woman her hands inside me swirling in patterns, pushing, moving, gentle.   What.  They look at each other.  Nod.  Mamama.  Oh she is holding me I’m in her arms so little and she loves me.   She loves me.   I was special to her.   I didn’t know.   I didn’t know her.   She loves me.   Look she says with her eyes.   Look and I’m holding him, my beauty love.   I’m holding him.   She’s gone so fast and he’ll be here now.   He’s coming now.   She has me, we’ll be ok.  Thank you.   Thank you.

uuugh          uuugh          uuugh          uuugh          uuugh          uuugh


And note that they who will for exile say can for dog while them that won't leave ingle end says now for know.9:21 am

When you see the arrow coming it has a softer strike, and I can see one clearly aimed right between my eyes.  I can enfuture myself and hear him say it: give me the key it is mine, I paid the rent.  And what can I do?  I can’t afford this place on my salary.  I can’t afford any place on my salary.  I remember clearly that bitch who does payroll telling me, when her mistake lost me my funding, I should go live in a shelter.  Good thing I got a TA, or I’d be living under a staircase somewhere.  Well, with what I make that might as well be my next home.  No.  Instead I do what I do now; I go up and down other people’s staircases.  When I think of the scheming and the senselessness I put up with my mouth fills with a salty bitter taste.  I smell toast.  No.  I’ll keep my honor and keep to myself.  Exile.  Time is screaming toward me and I had better be prepared for the blow.

55 reasons

What if it tempt you toward the flood, my lord, or to the dreadful summit of the cliff that beetles o'er his base into the sea, and there assume some other horrible form which might deprive your sovereignty of reason and draw you into madness? Think of it. The very place puts toys of desperation, without more motive, into every brain that looks so many fathoms to the sea and hears it roar beneath. 9:06 am

Buck still leading Haines on about my Hamlet theory, although so far I am not tempted to break my silence.  I’ll tell it when I tell it, it can wait.  Whatever.  To him it won’t be worth more than the price of a pin.  He told Haines I prove by algebra that Hamlet’s grandson is Shakespeare’s grandfather and that he himself is the ghost of his own father.  Haines probably thinks I am my father’s ghost.  He also thinks Seattle is much like Elsinore (I don’t see it).  With the full weight of ownership of his rightful property that can only come from an Englishman who hasn’t read it, Haines called Hamlet a wonderful tale.  How delightful.  Isn’t that special.