I’ll tell you all about it but first I have to sit down, empty the dirt and stones out of my boots. Woof my dogs are barking! Jesus fucking christ that was a long ass trip. And what have you been doing while I’ve been gone? Lazy ass. Look at this dump. Shuttered. Tenantless. Unweeded garden. Whole place gone to hell. Wow I’m jet lagged. So I’m thinking of writing the whole thing up as a travel guide for tourists. They’ll love reading about it. And I can make a little money too and won’t have to spend my life subsisting on the bitter taste of other’s bread, how salt it is. Do you know how hard a path it is for one who goes descending and ascending others’ stairs? Here, listen to this: My journey to the afterlife took me off the beaten track where wildlife abounded. I met up with Beatrice, an old flame who hooked me up with her tour guide friend Virgil. Discerning travelers would do well to enlist his guidance when exploring this picturesque land of contrasts. We began with that hidden gem, Hell’s capital city of Dis, where we took a charming boat ride ferried by a quaint local who charged us a fraction of the price you’d pay at home. His dock was bustling with friendly locals crowded on the spit of land and as we waited silent shapes appeared, colorful characters holding out calm hands and pointing. The vibrant culture we found in Hell and its sleepy backwaters are an unspoiled holiday destination well on its way to becoming the next Tuscany. For adrenalin junkies don’t miss the crawl up and then down Lucifer’s body. Only then can you experience Hell’s best kept secret — the rustic road to Mount Purgatory. At its end the reward for your adventures will be breathtaking vistas, and the golden beaches at your feet will wash away your cares. Stay a while; you will feel quite refreshed. Once you are rejuvenated by the tranquility of the pounding surf you will be more than ready to explore the bustling markets and lively nightlife that color the charming hamlets nestled along the slopes of Mount Purgatory. At the top of your soul-cleansing climb up the mountain your reward is Edenic gardens and an exotic parade of folk life. Next prepare yourself to be whisked onward and upward! There’s something in this divine place for everyone, and for those of you who enjoy the comforts of air travel your next stop is a paradise rich in history and filled with friendly locals. Enjoy the music of the spheres along the way! Your journey culminates with a must see destination, the experience of which will leave you saying to yourself how incomplete is speech, how weak, when set against my thought! What. I saw that look. Tell me. No good? What’s wrong with it? I suppose I should recommend a hotel or two, maybe some restaurants. No? Shit. You sure? Well, maybe it will make a good poem.