Having my way with Ulysses

The happy demise of all unhappy marriages.

Certaine Lordes came downe into thẽ nether houſe, and expreſſely declared cauſes, The marriage betwixt the King and the Lady Anne of Cleue, adiuged vnlawfull. for the which, the mariage was not to be taken lawfull: and in concluſion, the matter was by the conocation cleerely determined, that the King might lawfully marrie where he would, and ſo mighte ſhe. And thus were they clearely diuorſed, and by the Parliament it was enacted, that ſhee ſhoulde bee taken no more for Q. but called the Ladye Anne of Cleue10:10 pm

Scene: [In the house that Jack built, you know the one, where comes the fire that burns up the staff, that beat up the dog, that bit the cat, that ate up the goat — the one my father bought for two zuzim, in the house that Jack built.  In the house that Jack built (Conference Room C, Holy Mother Public Relations Inc.) Eve, Mary, Peter Piscator, Joseph the Joiner, and William Haley celebrate the sudden – at – the – moment – though – from – lingering – illness –  often – previously – expectorated – divorce of Adam and Eve.]

William Haley:  [Filling cups, some decline but Mary is front and center.  No surprise there.] Friends, let us raise a glass to this occasion of Eve and Adam’s postcreation.  Here’s to Eve who is like a flame of many colors of precious jewels, to Adam

Eve: Do we have to toast to Adam?

William Haley: To the vicar of Rome and of Bray, and to all our deceased friends who are more really with us than when they were apparent to our mortal part.  And to

Mary: [Thirstily] Here here!

[All quaff from their mazers]

St Bernard:  The cake is delicious, Peter, did you make it yourself?

Peter Piscator:  No. No, no.  I got it for a song.  Just a penny pippin.

Joseph the Joiner:  Really?  It looks like it would have set you back at least $50.  Although I find it a bit subsubstantial.

Mary:  I find you a bit subsubstantial.

William Haley:  None of that Mary.  Tonight is for Eve’s happiness, which has wings and wheels.  Miseries are leaden legged and their whole employment is to clip the wings and to take off the wheels of our chariots.

Eve:  That’s beautiful, William.  Did you just come up with that now?

Peter Piscator:  No, no.  No.  That sounds like he stole it from what’s his name, that devoted rebel. You know, the enthusiastic hope-fostered visionary.

William Haley:  You are quite wrong sir, and you injure me in your so saying.  But I shall ignore you.  A blight never does good to a tree and if a blight kill not a tree but it still bear fruit let none say that the fruit was in consequence of the blight.

Mary:  Jeepers Chrysthanthemum.  Somebody cut that cake, will you.  Let’s get this party going.

Joseph the Joiner:  Let’s not Mary.  Last time you ended up in bed with a pigeon.

Mary:  That was a rumor started by Leo Taxil.  Please.  What’s it to you if I knew God or I didn’t know God or if I had a pregnancy without joy, a birth without pain, a body without blemish, a belly without bigness.  You want to know if I still have a hymen?  Come and look!

Joseph: With will will we withstand withsay.

Mary:  Oh for the love of Christmas somebody hand over the cake.

William Haley:  For as man liveth not by bread alone, Mary, I shall live although I should want bread.  Who is that hiding under that table?

St. Bernard:  Mary! Mary!  You are the mother of the word incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me

Mary:  St. Bernard.  He’s become the creature of my creature.

Eve:  Creepy.  Let’s get rid of him.

William Haley:  We can’t get rid of him.  Time’s ruins build eternity’s mansions.  He like us all is the word made flesh.  Get rid of the flesh and he’ll become word for all eternity connected to us all as by navelcord to navelcord entwining back to Eve.

Mary:  Well now I don’t want cake anymore.

Eve:  Who invited that guy?

The Wind Weaver, Starring Michael The Archangel, with The Apostles, introducing Matthias and featuring four Heretics!

Hear, hear! Prolonged applause.9:30 am

God: [On the god mic] Alright everybody, settle in.  We have a 7:00 curtain for tomorrow’s opening and you have a 6:30 half hour so for the love of me let’s be ready for it.  Jesus did you call the understudy for Judas?

Jesus:  He’s here.

Matthias:  I’m here.

God: [On the god mic]  Good.  Ok.  We reblocked so remember heretics you enter from downstage right and your exit is the trapdoor.  Apostles your entrance is upstage center.  Try to remember this time Simon, and don’t come charging out from downstage.

Simon the Apostle: Sorry about that.

God: [On the god mic]  No problem Simon, just a bit less zealous this time.

Michael the Archangel: Do you want me to actually strike down the heretics or

God: [On the god mic]  No no, just take their weapons away and kick them into the void.  Right.  Let’s see if we can get through this quickly.  We need to tighten up cues and everybody be on top of your entrances.  Head in the game people, angels.  Places everyone, from the top of the show.  Standby on lights 1 through 5.  Standby sound A.  Let me know when you have places.

Jesus:  We have places.  [To self] Does he need to say everything on the god mic?

God: [On the god mic]  I heard that.  No headset chatter please.  Go to black.  Light 1 go.  Light 2 go.  Sound A go.

 

[Apostles enter from upstage center and sing polyphonically.  Michael the Archangel enters from upstage left.  Heretics enter from downstage right.]

Michael the Archangel:  [disarmingly] Halt heretics!

Photius: [mockingly] Whatcha gonna do about it?  [sing-song voice] You are too weak to stop me!

Arius: [aggressively] Word!

Valentine:  [in a spurning tone]  Your god has no body!  Your god has no body!

Sabellius:  [subtly] Whatever.  You are all the same to me.

God: [On the god mic]  Ok, hold.  Thomas, what in my name are you doing?

Thomas:  I don’t think this is working.

Peter:  Shut up Thomas, do you have to question everything?

Phillip:  Was I any good?

Andrew:   You were marvelous!

Phillip:  Really?  I was?

Thomas:  I’m just saying that I’m not feeling this.  I don’t believe what we are doing here.  Doesn’t seem real, I have to feel it to be on board.

Michael the Archangel:  Thomas I swear to stage manager, I’m going to kick your ass.

Thomas: I’m just saying, I’m not buying it.  The superstition, the void.  I mean come on, what’s under that trap door?

God: [On the god mic]  Nothing’s under there, it’s a void.  Thomas if you don’t get back to your place and do your job I’ll strike you down, I swear to me I’ll do it, so help me me!

Thomas:  That’s it.  I’m sick of this shit.  MACBETH!!

Peter: No! No! No!

Michael the Archangel:  Shit!  We have enough problems, do you have to borrow trouble?

Arius:  You cursed the show!  And I wanted to be the one to do it.

Sabellius: Whatever.

Photius:  Who here wants to run this show our own way somewhere else?

[Apostles spit over their shoulders, heretics turn three times, crew led by Jesus run outside to circle the theatre three times.]

God: [On the god mic]  Holy mother of me it’s going to take an act of me to get this thing off the ground.