Having my way with Ulysses

And a prettier, a daintier head of winsome curls was never seen on a whore’s shoulders.

My matchless lamb that may atone for all, said she, glorified my destiny, chose me for his equal, although unequal our coupling once seemed. When I went from your wet world he called me to his graciousness. Come hither to me, my lover sweet, for neither mote nor spot is in you. He gave me power and also beauty. In his blood he washed my pledge and place and crowned me clean in virginity and adorned me in flawless pearls.12:32 am

Scene: [Some time after midnight in the offices of Holy Mother Public Relations Martha and Mary are having a stitch and bitch.]

Martha: So you weren’t always a virgin. What was your life like before?

Mary: Before? God. Things were different, I mean I started working at fourteen, you know? I started young. Here’s a picture. [A photograph of a teenaged Mary appears in Martha’s hand; she almost drops her wine.]

Martha: You were cute, look at your hair!

Mary: I had two right feet.

Martha: So tell me about the first one.

Mary: [laughing] Jesum chrysanthamums, that was so long ago! And I was so stupid; I mean I knew absolutely nothing about men. Nothing. My first one was a Libyan eunuch and I was such a neophyte, I had no idea!

Martha: [choking on her wine a little] Mary! Jeez

Mary: Oye! Careful!

Martha: Jeez and crackers would be great with this wine.

Mary: Nice save. And yeah, I could eat something. [Mary widens her eyes just perceptibly and a deliquescing bleu cheese appears with sesame crackers] You like bleu?

Martha: Sweet. Yes. Thank you. So didn’t you realize that he had nothing going on downstairs?

Mary: I’m fourteen. What do I know at fourteen? He looked like a Ken doll, nothing alarming there. But I’ll tell you who was alarming, this guy I knew, what was his name? Pen something, Pendenis. Panther! Holy mama.

Martha: Ha!

Mary: Lord I knew I was going to be in trouble, and he had it all out there too. I mean, he was packed into these tight pants on a stage just about dick level with the crowd. I got whacked in the head with that thing! It must have taken some serious divine intervention to get him into those pants. Anyway, he’s the one who burst my tympanum. Hey, where’s your sister?

Martha: Speaking of getting dickslapped. I don’t know. I don’t care. She’s probably off with J being a cocktease.

Mary: Seriously?

Martha: She won’t do him until he puts a ring on it, so they’ve been doing everything but. I tried to tell her

Mary: I thought they were married? Or at least engaged, didn’t they just have the wedding?

Martha: They called it off. It’s on, it’s off. He’s been cheating on her with a ton of potential Mrs. Je

Mary: Watch it!

Martha: eepers. Sorry.

Mary: You want him popping in here?  Jeezum Crow!  So she’s still technically a virgin?

Martha: Yeah, but come on.

Mary: I know, right.

Martha: So.

Mary: Yeah. The thing about virginity. Who cares? You know? I mean really, look at who cares, it’s never the virgin. And whatever she’s telling herself, I highly doubt she can get off on a technicality.

Martha: Or much else.

It floats, it flows about her starborn flesh.

The sense of space, and in the end the sense of time, were both powerfully affected. Buildings, landscapes, &c., were exhibited in proportions so vast as the bodily eye is not fitted to receive. Space swelled, and was amplified to an extent of unutterable infinity. This, however, did not disturb me so much as the vast expansion of time; I sometimes seemed to have lived for 70 or 100 years in one night—nay, sometimes had feelings representative of a millennium passed in that time, or, however, of a duration far beyond the limits of any human experience.10:41 pm

Scene: [In the house of Mary and Martha, Mary prepares for her wedding while Martha, ever the bridesmaid, ruminates under yards and yards of what do you call it gossamer veils bunched into the ideal form of a bridesmaid dress. O Martha, thou lost one, you’ll totally be able to wear it again (if you like looking like a fat red triangle!)]

Mary: I’m so so happy! I feel my soul soaring, wafting over regions of cycles of generations that have lived! Have you seen Lilith? She didn’t show up for her fitting.

Martha: [Muttering with the thunder of rebellion] That screech owl? She’s probably fucking Azazel in the bathroom. Wish I was with them.

Mary: O Martha! Martha Martha Martha! The wonder of it! The love I have for Jesus grows to heaven’s own what do you call it magnitude! I feel like I’m floating, flowing, simply swirling! Hey, do you think he’ll like these gold sandals with my dress?

Martha: Yeah. If he likes you to look like Hermes.

Mary: Oh Martha, everything will be so beautiful.  All the stars are aligned perfectly for us too!  He’s a Capricorn and I’m a Virgin.

Martha: [Moaning] Yeah right.

Mary: And I’m a Virgin, young dear and radiant, so we make such astrological sense together. We will have parallax minds and hearts!  Do you have to drink so much?  Such horrible gulpings, you’ll be drunk before the ceremony.  And I want everything to be perfect.  Together we will spin out our love into the infinite of space and of time! And just think Martha, our wedding will be the alpha and nothing, absolutely nothing will go wrong!

Martha: [Ominous, revengeful]  Nothing will go wrong. That’s a good idea, Mary.  For once you’re thinking with that horse’s head you’ve got wafting above all that simply swirling.  Nothing.  Nothing is everything, if done properly. Have you seen my phone?

What the Great Saint Bernard Said

Filled, therefore, with confidence in thy goodness, I fly to thee, O Mother, Virgin of Virgins: to thee I come, before thee I fly a sorrowful sinner.8:29 pm

[Scene:  The Star and Garter Ballroom, Empyrean Building, Holy Mother Public Relations. Mary is irritated, a little drunk, and bathed gloriously in a radiant cloud of flies.  Martha stands defeated with a fly swatter and a can of bug spray.  Miss Bee Honeysuckle nervously buzzes just out of Martha’s reach.]

Mary:  Where the hell is he?

Miss Bee Honeysuckle:  He’s be here soon your virgin worshipfulness, we left at the same time but he had to go back to, well, to compose himself a little.

Mary:  Martha get him on the damn phone.  Compose himself?  I’ll decompose him myself if he doesn’t show up now.

Miss Bee Honeysuckle:  You know how he is, your heavenly motheringness, he doesn’t like crowds.

Mary:  What crowds?  There’s no crowds.  Show me crowds!  Who will come here with all these damn flies.  Martha!

Martha:  I can’t swat them all, Mary, there must be millions of them.  Oh Christ! There’s one on your eye.

[Jesus appears as if from nowhere while Martha swats Mary in the face]

Mary:  Jesus Fucking Christ when will you stop appearing as if from nowhere!

Jesus:  Hey mom, sorry.  Another fly plague?  And who’s that hiding under that table?

Miss Bee Honeysuckle:  [Bright with hope] Oh thank Jesus, you’re here!

Jesus:  No problem.

Mary:  Where?  Bernard, get out from under there you agoraphobic freak!

Miss Bee Honeysuckle:  It’s social anxiety disorder, he can’t help it.  But he’s a brilliant exterminator.

Bernard:  Bee?  is it safe?

Martha:  Bernard get your ass out from under that table and get to work!  None of us can do anything until these flies are cleared out.

Miss Bee Honeysuckle:  [Keeping a nervous distance from Martha] It’s safe enough.

[St Bernard crawls crablike from under the closest table to the door and on sight of Mary vomits on the floor.]

Mary:  Great.  Now we need carpet cleaners too.  Martha?

Martha:  [With a careworn heart, a toiler for her daily bread] I’m on it.

Bernard:  Sorry about that.  Weak stomach.  I’ll need incense.  Lots of it.

Mary:  Jesus?

Jesus:  I only do food, mom.  Wine, fish, bread.

Martha:  Jesus you useless dumbass.

Jesus:  Hey Martha, how’s your sister?

Martha:  She’s out back sucking balls.

Jesus:  Where?  Out back?  Mom, I’ll go look for incense.  Be back in a while.  Soon.  Be back soon.

Mary:  Oh here.  [Mary claps twice.  Incense smoke wafts from all directions.  The flies multiply]

Bernard:  [With a compelling voice and look] Flies, if ye will not hear the church let thee be to thee as the heathen and publican.  Whatsoever you shall bind upon heaven, shall be bound also in the Emperian building; and whatsoever you shall loose upon heaven, shall be loosed also in the Emperian building.  Flies, hear me now.  You shall be excommunicated at once statim, ipso facto.   Res sacræ, ritus, communio, crypta, potestas, prædia sacra, forum, civilia jura vetantur.

[The flies drop instantly to the floor, dead.  At least three inches deep of the bloody things.]

Miss Bee Honeysuckle [eyes wet with contrition]: Oh St. Bernard, you honey sweet teacher!

Mary:  Thanks, Bernard.  Martha, get a shovel.

Bernard:  No, No, Miss Honeysuckle will do clean up.  No extra charge.

Fat folds of neck, fat, neck, fat, neck

Then should I spur, though mounted on the wind, In winged speed no motion shall I know12:00 pm

A big wind today, feel it through the doors.  They always put doors one opposite the other for the wind to.  Way in.  Way out.  Let the building breathe.  Choke otherwise.  No, air has to circulate, breeze around.  Door whispers.  Ee: cree.  Putting together an ad deal for Alexander Keyes and needed a bit of a cut and paste from Red Murray.  Think I know his nephew.  Have to ask another time. Stately Brayden came barreling statelily through before I could bump the words out of my head.  Simon Dedalus says he keeps all his brains in the nape of his neck.  Red thinks Neck looks like Jesus and he does, although hard to imagine Jesus at that size.  I think he looks a bit like the guy who sang co-ome thou lost one, co-ome thou dear one.  Jesuslooking with a beardframed face.  Nice to imagine.  Jesus talking in the dusk with Mary at his feet.  And Martha content, joyful, serving food.  The passive and the active, loving sisters.

The Active:   Loving, my ass!  News flash: I had to take the train from Bethany, then a bus, then a cab to the airport, change planes at JFK that stinking bunghole, then Seatac, train, bus just to tell you personally:  Mary the cheapest whore in the world will suck your balls for ten bucks in any alley or back seat you like.  In any alley or back seat you like for ten bucks Mary the cheapest whore in the world will suck your balls.

We have committed many errors

To course across more kindly waters now my talent's little vessel lifts her sails, leaving behind itself a sea so cruel; and what I sing will be that second kingdom, in which the human soul is cleansed of sin, becoming worthy of ascent to Heaven.

Holy Mother Public Relations, Inc.
10th Heaven
Empyrean

Meeting Minutes

Date:  February 6
Time:  10:53 am
Location:  10th Heaven conference room C, Empyrean building
Purpose:   Initial branding meeting with Eve, Helen of Troy, and continuation of Mary Magdalene campaign.

 

Attendees:

The Virgin Mary, Meeting Host 
Eve, New client
Helen of Troy, New client
Mary Magdalene, Client

 

Agenda:

1.  Brainstorm joint PR campaign for Eve and Helen
2.  Develop action plans for Eve and Helen of Troy
3.  Mary Magdalene continuation of action plan
4.  Develop possibilities for negative PR, maybe something new this time.

 

Discussion:

1.  Mary discussed success re: her own case.  Talking points were her unexplained pregnancy and potential social disaster.  PR push.  Damage control.  Result: everybody thinks she’s a virgin and the daughter of her own son.  She is now widely esteemed with stellar poll numbers particularly in Latin America and parts of Europe.

2.  Discussed efficacy of article placement in cross-platform media outlets except billboards; speaking engagements (appearances in dreams, visions, usual platforms), charity functions, direct marketing, and crisis management.  Possible planting of artifacts in archeological sites.  Problem, Eden: fictional.

3.  Eve.  Primary problem — blamed for fall of humanity.  Expulsion from garden.  Also, labor pains.  Discussed fault of serpent and Adam complicity.

4.  Helen of Troy.  Blamed for Trojan war / fall of Troy, labeled a runaway wife but was kidnapped.  Fault: Aphrodite.  Also, Menelaus not most ideal husband.  And Helen from Sparta not Troy.

5.  Mary Magdalene.  Reputation as notorious prostitute.  Victim of slander, possibly at the hands of Martha (sister).  In later stages of PR campaign.  Discussed her campaign as example for new clients Eve and Helen.  Success of Da Vinci Code campaign.

Action Items:

1.  Contact apple growers associations in top ten apple producing countries for possible promotional opportunities, or photo ops with focus on developing a more positive association between the apple and Eve (tree of knowledge) & Helen (apple of discord.)

2.   Brainstorm negative PR campaigns for Adam, Serpent, Menelaus, Aphrodite, and Martha (litigious).  Send intern to look through garbage of each.  Have paparazzi follow.

3.  Possible ad campaign promoting benefits of epidural anesthesia.  (Eve)

4.  Helen, face of international shipping?  Research availability of 1000 ships for possible televison commercial, print media, and viral you tube video.

5.  Mary Magdalene, The Da Vinci Code part 2?  Check availability of Dan Brown, Tom Hanks.

6.  Develop app for Da Vinci Code part 1.

 
Minutes typed by: Joseph
Approved by:  Mary, Virgin and CEO
 
 
 
 

How goes the time?

penteplenty of pity with lubilashings of lust for Olona Lena Magdalena 10:16 am

Quarter after.  What is quarter of?  I’ve never understood that one.  Quarter of, is it before or after?  Whatever.  Why quibble over a preposition, there is no before or after.  Time enough yet.  Always time.  Where is this?  Ah yes, the last time.  That’s where.  Wait.  Have to go for Molly’s lotion.  When did I get it last?  No prescription.  Alchemist can look it up.

[The shop door rings as Bloom enters.  A toothache he had been experiencing is suddenly cured]

Mary Magdalene: Can I help you?

Bloom:  Yes, a shrunken skull, the philosopher’s stone, a lemony soap, and a refill of a prescription lotion for Molly Bloom.

Mary Magdalene:  Is she in our system?

Bloom:  [with a drugged mental excitement] Yes.

Mary Magdalene:  And you could use a cure for that dandruff.

Bloom:  Not for me.  Do you mean me?

Mary Magdalene: [Mixing ingredients in an alabaster jar]  No of course not.  Let’s see, need to rinse scalp with a little laurel and green tea steeped in distilled water.  Any allergies?

Bloom: Bee stings, so please not an electuary.  Can’t be too careful.

[Mary Magdalene hands Bloom the jar then whacks him across the face]

Bloom:  [With obvious pleasure] Why?

Mary Magdalene:  In case of reaction.  Want to be careful.  Anything else?  Having trouble sleeping?  Maybe some chloroform?  Laudanum?  How about a nice love philtre?

Bloom:  Does it constipate?

Mary Magdalene:  Clogs the pores.  Or the phlegm rather.

Bloom:  Can you mix it into Molly’s lotion?

Mary Magdalene:  Ah yes.  A remedy where you least expect it.  That’s the acid test.

Bloom: [Coyly] I’ll come for it later.  You know, you ought to physic yourself a bit.

Mary Magdalene: [flirtatiously]  And gradually change my character?  You have a bit of pluck!  Now as for Molly’s lotion, tell her she wants to be careful.  Too much and she will experience a lifetime in a night.

Bloom: [Exiting, inhaling slowly the keen reek of drugs]  Yes.  I said yes.  I will.  Yes.

Let everything rip

Don't piss off Martha10:12 am

I hate my sister.  Look at her in there.  She’s totally throwing herself at Jesus.  What a bitch.  She’s actually sitting at his feet and hanging on his every word.  Way to be cool Mary.  And I’m stuck here in the kitchen with this old hag grinding up garlic.  Great.  I’ll reek of it and fish too and meanwhile there’s Mary making Jesus think she’s interested in everything he says.  Oh tell me more and more about your dad, he sounds fascinating!  Cunt.  I’m going to spread the biggest rumor about her.  I’ll tell everyone she’s a total slut.  I’ll take a picture of her naked and it is so going on the internet.  I’ll put her number on Craigslist.  When I’m done she’ll go down in history as the biggest whore who ever pissed off her sister.