8:48 am
Milk delivery today. Old woman this time. A lowly form of an immortal delivering a message. Buck invited her in. Haines tried to impress her with his knowledge of working class movements in America and it was like he was speaking a foreign language. Haven’t paid the milk bill in a while, Haines made the woman wait so we could pay. Buck paid most of it, an oblation, said we’d owe the rest.
8:45 am
Buck spent morning talking like an old woman. Burned breakfast, we had to open the door to let the smoke out. Key in the lock, but Buck thought I had it. Made coffee too strong for Haines and no milk. Haines interested in the seventies feminist movenent now, Gloria Steinem teaching women how to piss standing up. Where you truss be circumspicious and look before you leak, dears. Treating everyone like God in drag. There is a restaurant in BC that prohibits men from peeing standing up. Told Haines that would not exist in or out of the Northwest.
8:42 am
Haines apologized for screaming in his sleep again. Buck told him what I said about web fiction which earned the distinction “clever” then suggested I ask Haines for money. Twice a month Buck has plans for my paycheck; wants to drink it later. Thinks it will be $700. He sang this all morning:
I brought his shaving bowl in from the balcony. This is the song my mind sang all morning, pushed around a bit by Buck’s bellowing:
8:24 am
Cranly once held my arm and told me that I am an excitable man. I have no fear of being alone, even without a friend who would be more true and more noble and more than a friend. It is Buck who wishes to excite me now (his arm Cranly’s arm) this time into borrowing money from Haines before kicking him out. Even said he’d call Seymour and we could call him out, kick his ass, but I don’t think so. Let him stay. Nothing wrong with him except at night.
8:09 am
Buck thinks he is a stand up guy, speaking without a filter about everything, bleeding me for money too He wants me to get some money out of Haines but I can’t stand the thought of bowing down to him. I will not serve. And if Buck thinks I’m a bit sinister for my beliefs so be it. Better friends than he have questioned my disbeliefs. My mother asked me to pray for her while she was dying but I still cannot pay a false homage even to the most logical and coherent of absurdities. That may shock Buck’s Aunt, but I will stick with my usual defenses. Cunning. Exile. And this time silence.
8:06 am
Looking out the window you’d think this would be a choice place to live but I’m sitting on lawn furniture right now and I sleep in a hammock. If Haines stays much longer then I am out of here. Gone. Where? Buck on and on this morning about the great mother sea, fist to fist as we sit by the sea. Our mother the ash grey sea. Just look at it. The ballbusting snotgreen sea. Terrifying. Calling me Kinch the knife but I am not the knife. I can’t be knife. My knife would be made out of the infinitely small, forever dividing within itself the closer you look before it could ever slice something so sinewy as life or thought or time. Somebody show me where Augustine says the now is a knife edge without thickness. So many quote him on that without specific attribution but where does he say this. Show me specifically where. Perhaps I am blind. It is what he believes though, that this now moment, this one, right here and not the one where your eyes were moving when I began this sentence about the now moment but this one now this one divides the past infinite and exploding multitudinous and infinite to nausea from the future singular one. But which one? To be or to be? That is the question.
8:03 am
Haines from Oxford sleeping on the couch tapping my brain for his diss on poco anarchism in America. He went on and on about his brilliant “deconstruction of western hegemonic tropes of whiteness as seen throught the lens of the objectified other.” He speaks a well trained jargon intelligent and empty. Had a huge argument about the Black Panther Party which unfortunately mostly boiled down to carrying a visible weapon as fashion statement pro or con. Discuss. He had much to say about the leather jackets and weaponry. Didn’t want to entertain much else. He wants vampirically to extract my knowledge and my soul with it about the objectified Native American and a post postcolonialist vision of body of the radicalized other but when I told him I had heard that Leonard Peltier had been moved to solitary confinement nearly 6 months ago he said who? He screams in his sleep. Last night moaning about black panthers and I swear some time soon I’m going to wake up with him standing over me wearing fangs and holding a rifle pointed at my head.